Throughout the past 13 months, I have been faced time and time again with the uncomfortable truth that I -- as a cis, white, upper-middle class American citizen -- have a LOT of privilege in this world. As someone who is training to study systems of oppression professionally, reflecting on this privilege is something that I do on daily basis. Recently, I had one episode in particular that really struck me as being a very fruitful opportunity for reflection.
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I am currently sitting in the Malaga airport. It’s already been 3 hours and I still have 7 hours to go before my plane takes off, which will be the first of 3 planes that I have to take in order to arrive at my destination for a grand total of 27 hours straight in airports / airplanes. Yippee! But at least they have a 24 hour Starbucks here (you here that, Philadelphia Airport? THEY HAVE SOMETHING OPEN FOR 24 HOURS! IN SPAIN! GET ON THEIR LEVEL!). Sitting here is bringing back so many memories of the last time I spent the night in an airport…. It was in fact this airport and it was 4 years ago when I was on my way back to the States after studying abroad in Granada. I can’t help but think of how different the circumstances are between these two trips, even though they both included panicked rushes to catch my bus at the VERY LAST MOMENT (what can I say? I’ve never been good about abiding by a fixed schedule).
This is the third time I’ve left Spain to go back to the States. The two previous times were after studying abroad and the departure marked a very definitive “leaving” of Spain to “return home” to the States. Those experiences have been filtered through feelings of resignation and sadness at the conclusion of a chapter and I remember clearly thinking, “I need to take this all in! I need to savor every last moment!” while I packed all my belongings into a collection of suitcases (I won’t admit to how many there were). Well. It's finally happened. After all the big talk of how much I love living abroad, the reality of living in other country, in another culture, has finally caught up with me.
I've written before about my struggles to find the happy medium between truly embracing the Spanish lifestyle and engaging fully in graduate school. This internal conflict is nothing new. But now, with the end of the academic year so close within grasp, I finally lost it. When living your life in a language that is not your native language, sometimes even the smallest tasks take on huge significance as they serve as markers of your increasing level of comfort and ability to express yourself in this new language. For me, some of the biggest moments (besides the obvious attending graduate school in Spanish) included: signing a contact for an apartment, dealing with the government office in order to obtain residency, negotiating a cellphone plan, opening a bank account, taking a pilates class, speaking with a bank representative on the phone, dealing with the local police to file a police report and sending an urgent letter from the post office. But as big as these moments were for me at the time, they were blown out of the water by what went down last Friday.
"La verdad, señora, empiezo a pensar que hay un placer todavía mayor que el de ver Granada. Y es el de volverla a ver." - Alejandro Dumas Translation: "The truth, madam, is I am starting to think that there is still a greater pleasure than seeing Granada. And that is to see it again." OK, I know my last post was all about homes and I am sure you are all ready for me to move on from the subject, but I have to confess that I am currently experiencing quite high levels of stress regarding this intense fondness I hold for Granada and I am finding it hard to think of anything else. The end of February marked the conclusion of the first academic semester here in Granada so the past few weeks have been a flurry of good bye's and hasta luego's as friends and colleagues have returned to their home institutions after their allotted semester abroad. Watching so many of my peers leave, I cannot help but reflect on the time I have left here in my beloved Granada.
As I'm writing this, I have now been away from the United States for 174 consecutive days, beating my previous record at 136 consecutive days when I was studying abroad in 2012. Now, in the grand scheme of things I realize that doesn't seem like a huge amount of time, but I am actually starting to feel the distance. When I studied abroad the first time, I really didn't ever experience any sense of "homesickness" (to be fair, I'm sure a huge part of that was just how excited I was about being abroad for the first time). And while I wouldn't say I'm experiencing much "homesickness" per se this time around either, there certainly are a lot of things about the US that I miss, especially when it comes to food and schedules (I mean, OK, OBVIOUSLY I miss people, but that's a whole other issue). I've even started dreaming about it! I dream about my favorite dishes from my favorite restaurants back in CU: Big Roll from Kofusion, Pad See Yu from Siam Terrace, Chicken Frontega Panini from Panera, homemade meals that aren't cooked by me, Tollhouse cookie dough, homemade brownies, oh MAN especially homemade brownies! I practically have fantasies about going into Meijer, in the middle of the night, on a Sunday, and buying all the pre-made meals JUST BECAUSE I CAN! It's really quite pathetic.
But I think other people are also starting to realize just how long I have been gone / for how much longer I will be gone. In the past month, I've had an influx of people asking me, "so, when are you coming back home?" For me, it's a really awkward question. I can understand why reality shows have become so popular -- real life really is so much more interesting and intricate than fiction, especially when it comes to relationships with other human beings. It is rarely ever the initial intention to build a deep and everlasting relationship when we met another person, although that does happen. But nonetheless, there are so many varieties of deep and meaningful relationships that we build with each other. It is actually quite amazing.
I've been thinking about relationships (in the general sense of the word) a lot lately. I've realized the majority of the relationships I consider to be fundamental in my life are based on technological proximity rather than actually spatial proximity and it's really unsettling to think that most of those relationships will never be grounded in daily physical experiences again. There isn't one single, organized community for me to return to. But I guess that is part of growing up. Looking at it from the other side of that same coin, it is amazing to think of how many relationships can be maintained and nurtured even without that physical proximity. Or how you can have almost no relationship to speak of with someone but then you can still share such intimate and special bonds with them. This past weekend has been quite the collection of eclectic social circumstances. The truth is you really just have no idea how someone is going to fit into your life and how that role is going to change. I don't know what switch has been turned on but I am feeling invigorated and ready to go! I haven't been shy about the fact that I'd been struggling to get my academic bearings straight these past few months, but coming back from winter break I have finally gotten my grove back! YES HONEY! I'm going to attribute this spark to five major changes:
I have realized that I only have a matter of months (official number yet to be determined, but most likely eight) left here in Granada. Now, I realize that following my last post my dewy-eyed desire to stay in Granada may strike some as contradictory and nonsensical, but the truth is Granada is my home. I've always been pretty easy going about adapting to wherever I am and have developed sentimental feelings about a lot of different places in my life. And I, of course, hold Champaign-Urbana and even Bloomington in very special places in my heart but there is just something about Granada that calls to me. And as much as this particular chapter in Granada has certainly had its challenges, I realize how extremely fortunate I am to have had the opportunity to come back here. In reality, those challenges are a big factor in why I am now feeling so appreciative about being here in Granada. In the last few months I have realized with certainty that my professional life most likely does not belong here in Spain, which means that my adult life will most likely not be based here. Now, I still don't know where exactly it will be based (and trust me, I am open to a LOT of different options) and I am sure I will fall in love with many more places in my lifetime. But right now I really want to focus on just cherishing this time here, in Granada. And I know that this city will always be a huge part of my life and that I can always come back and visit, but there is something so special about living in the place that just warms your heart. I want to take advantage of all that the city has to offer so in addition to my more lofty goals that I mentioned in my last post, I am also attempting to hold myself to some smaller, more manageable ones. Each week I want to: try a new bar or café; go on a walk and photograph a new part of the city; do something new that I haven't done before. For example, this week I went to the Spanish post office for the first time to retrieve a package. It was new and I have never relished waiting in line at a government office more!
I've never really been one for New Year's resolutions. I mean, if you want to resolve to do something then just do it, don't wait for the arbitrary transition into a new year, am I right? But I have to confess -- there's something about this new year that makes me want to renew my resolutions to myself.
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Meet the Author:Graduate student of GEMMA Eramus Mundus Master's Degree in Women's and Gender Studies. Currently living in Budapest, Hungary. Originally from the American midwest. Archives
October 2016
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