County fairs are one my favorite things in the entire world. I love everything about them: the tackiness, the ridiculous outfits, the extreme food, and of course the sense of exhilaration that you feel when you get strapped into one of those rides that you know wasn’t attached soundly to the ground even just a few days prior. I love it all!
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There are few people in your life with whom you can go weeks, months, and maybe even years without speaking and then just slide back into a comfortable, familiar rhythm when you are back together as if no time had passed at all. For me, one of those groups (I suspect) will always be my group of friends from studying abroad in Granada. Our group was made up of six of us, each from different universities, different parts of the States, studying different things and in different phases of our lives. We were brought together solely by circumstance: we all happened to be studying abroad in the same program in Granada, Spain in the spring of 2012. And while that semester abroad was instrumental in each of our lives for distinct reasons, we all fell in love with Granada and we did it together.
Well, it's official - I've completed all my remaining "to do's" in Granada! Honestly I didn't think it'd be THAT easy or happen THAT quickly... I guess it just goes to show that when you are open to opportunities they really do just fall in your lap!
Returning to Granada this year, I really didn't have an extensive list of things I wanted to do this time around that I hadn't gotten the chance to do the first time. In fact, there were only three items on the list:
1. Go skiing in the Sierra Nevadas 2. Go to a futbol (soccer) match in Spain 3. Go to the Arab baths in Granada I can understand why reality shows have become so popular -- real life really is so much more interesting and intricate than fiction, especially when it comes to relationships with other human beings. It is rarely ever the initial intention to build a deep and everlasting relationship when we met another person, although that does happen. But nonetheless, there are so many varieties of deep and meaningful relationships that we build with each other. It is actually quite amazing.
I've been thinking about relationships (in the general sense of the word) a lot lately. I've realized the majority of the relationships I consider to be fundamental in my life are based on technological proximity rather than actually spatial proximity and it's really unsettling to think that most of those relationships will never be grounded in daily physical experiences again. There isn't one single, organized community for me to return to. But I guess that is part of growing up. Looking at it from the other side of that same coin, it is amazing to think of how many relationships can be maintained and nurtured even without that physical proximity. Or how you can have almost no relationship to speak of with someone but then you can still share such intimate and special bonds with them. This past weekend has been quite the collection of eclectic social circumstances. The truth is you really just have no idea how someone is going to fit into your life and how that role is going to change. I have realized that I only have a matter of months (official number yet to be determined, but most likely eight) left here in Granada. Now, I realize that following my last post my dewy-eyed desire to stay in Granada may strike some as contradictory and nonsensical, but the truth is Granada is my home. I've always been pretty easy going about adapting to wherever I am and have developed sentimental feelings about a lot of different places in my life. And I, of course, hold Champaign-Urbana and even Bloomington in very special places in my heart but there is just something about Granada that calls to me. And as much as this particular chapter in Granada has certainly had its challenges, I realize how extremely fortunate I am to have had the opportunity to come back here. In reality, those challenges are a big factor in why I am now feeling so appreciative about being here in Granada. In the last few months I have realized with certainty that my professional life most likely does not belong here in Spain, which means that my adult life will most likely not be based here. Now, I still don't know where exactly it will be based (and trust me, I am open to a LOT of different options) and I am sure I will fall in love with many more places in my lifetime. But right now I really want to focus on just cherishing this time here, in Granada. And I know that this city will always be a huge part of my life and that I can always come back and visit, but there is something so special about living in the place that just warms your heart. I want to take advantage of all that the city has to offer so in addition to my more lofty goals that I mentioned in my last post, I am also attempting to hold myself to some smaller, more manageable ones. Each week I want to: try a new bar or café; go on a walk and photograph a new part of the city; do something new that I haven't done before. For example, this week I went to the Spanish post office for the first time to retrieve a package. It was new and I have never relished waiting in line at a government office more!
Immediately following my relaxing seaside vacation, I put on my hostess hat and welcomed my first visitor of the European graduate experience! And when I say "immediately following", I mean IMMEDIATELY following my vacation. As in my guest, Eric (a friend from high school who is now working in Germany for the year), actually arrived in Granada before I did on Tuesday night. The situation was exacerbated by the fact that I was flying late into Málaga (i.e. not Granada) and had to catch the very last bus to Granada that night otherwise I would have been stranded in Málaga for the night, missed my morning class and Eric would have been left to fend for himself, which would have been difficult given that he doesn't speak any Spanish. Despite an hour delay in my flight, what can only be described as a civilized confrontation with a flight attendant, sprinting through an airport, and a frantic taxi drive, I managed to catch my bus! But talk about a stressful commute.
While I never cease to be enchanted by this city, it is invigorating to get to share it someone else. Eric was here from Tuesday to Saturday and while there aren't that many classically tourist activities to do (besides the amazing Alhambra, of course) it still seemed like we were constantly frantically running around trying to do everything before he left. I'll give you a brief summary of our itinerary, in hopes of convincing some of you readers out there to make the journey one day. As many of you know, I have a tendency to be very high strung; it's just my nature. And while I do tend to revel in the anxiety of my high strung moments, I also try to keep the big picture in mind. This mentality was what drove me to attend a local feminist program this weekend even though I had piles of articles to read and essays to write. After all, my work will get done (eventually) and it is important to participate in the real time experience of the movement. If I just get a degree in theory but don't put it to use, what was even the point?
The program took place over two days and brought together members of the entire Andalusian province to discuss feminist issues, including: care and dependency; sex, gender and sexualities; unemployment and work; education and co-education; citizenship and participation; and violence. For my first session, I decided to attend the seminar on sex, gender, and sexualities. The event was open to the public and I was pleasantly surprised to see a wide variety of people our group. There was about 30 of us participating with ages ranging from high school to (I'm guessing) 60s and basically an even mix of men and women. I was taking a moment to reflect on the situation and wondering if I had ever attended an event so well attended in the States or if it would even be possible when I realized that the older gentleman in the group was posing a question at ME! I did my best to hide my startled panic as I attempted to catch up with his train of thought (which isn't easy to do in your non-native language, by the way) before he finally got to the point: "And I would like to pose this question to my North American colleague -- how have religion shaped the expectations of gender roles in your country?" UHHHHHHH, EXCUSE ME? Let me take you through all the things that raced through my mind in the first 10 seconds that followed that question: 1. IS THAT A SERIOUS QUESTION? HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT? A. Couldn't this be a doctoral thesis? 2. This man just hijacked the session and made it about religion when that wasn't even the topic. Rude. 3. I have spent the last month immersing myself in Spanish culture and Europe history to learn about the context in which feminism developed in Europe... as if I can even remember anything from America! A. I am a horrible American. 4. But seriously, what is the answer.......? A. Do I talk about the historical context? Quakerism was incredibly influential in the abolitionist and suffragist movement..... But, shit, that's more about feminism which CHALLENGES traditional gender roles.... B. Do I talk about present times? How can I possibly generalize when there is SUCH a variety in religions practiced in America? i. Or maybe it is the lack of religious influence.....? ii. I am the worst anthropologist. I can't even analyze the religious cultural aspect of my native land. iii. And what, as if all other countries are completely homogenous? a. Wait, but I mean traditionally Spain was basically homogenous with Catholicism..... b. Maybe I just don't understand the gravity of the influence of Catholicism and that's why I don't get the question....? C. Or I could speak about my own experience.... i. Oh god what IS my own experience with religion forming my expectation of gender roles?? 5. I definitely don't feel comfortable exerting my opinion/experience. I feel like it's going to be taken as the representative opinion/experience of any group and I am not comfortable with that. A. I am the worst feminist. I don't even feel comfortable expressing my opinions. B. How am I ever going to be a professor?? 6. I have been studying gender for years now... I have been understanding how to deconstruct what we know.... I don't even know what the public "knows" now! A. Again, I am the worst feminist. B. Again, how do I ever expect to teach anyone? 7. YOU WANT ME TO ANSWER THIS IN SPANISH?? So, in the ten seconds it took for these thoughts to fly threw my mind, the entire room has turned around to stare at me while they anxiously await my answer. In the end, I ineloquently blurt out a combination of 4 and 6. But before I had even gotten to the part where I made a fool of myself, the man had turned around and was talked to his neighbor, another man. EXCUSE ME? YOU ARE GOING TO CALL ME OUT IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE GROUP AND THEN NOT EVEN LISTEN TO MY ANSWER? THAT IS SO INCREDIBLY RUDE! I could not even believe it. After my disastrous attempt to participate, the group moves on (seemingly unfazed) to other topics while I cannot shake the deep rooted sense of shame and disappointment I feel in myself at not being able to represent either myself or my country in a more educated and eloquent manner. I had felt this way once before in Spain, when I was studying abroad in 2012 and my host mom and her friends asked me all their questions about American culture, most of which I was unable to answer sufficiently. The question that stood out to me the most was a question about how our healthcare system worked: could a person be turned away from a hospital (and possibly even die) if they didn't have insurance. At that time, I was 20 and I didn't know anything about our healthcare system. I had always been covered under my parents' insurance-- I had always gotten the medical care that I required and I had selfishly never thought to question the system that was working for me. Since then, I have been beefing up my knowledge on the American medical system (even working on the periphery of the healthcare sector for a few months during my gap year). Go ahead, ask away! But I still remember how awful it felt to not have the answer. But this problem goes deeper than not knowing the answer (especially the question is nearly impossible to answer, as I think the question from the feminist event was): the problem is that I don't have enough confidence to voice my own opinion. Now I know what those of you who know me must be thinking -- "surely she is joking. I don't think I've ever met someone as vocal and determined as Nora!" And yes, I recognize the truth in that. It's true that I feel comfortable (possibly TOO comfortable) expressing my opinion about frivolous things (like what I want to eat or what I want to later that night), but how many of you actually know my opinion on contestable issues? Sure, maybe we've discussed them, but did I actually share my opinion with you or did I just politely listen to yours and ask questions? Have you ever successfully gotten me to explain something to you? I lack the vocabulary to describe the sensation accurately (it's not a fear or a phobia or anxiety or discomfort exactly) but there is a sense that I feel, especially in terms of feminist topics, that makes me more than apprehensive (basically incapable, really) of expressing my thoughts. I feel this overwhelming pressure that I am somehow representing an entire group of people and that a combination of my privilege and insufficiency overshadows any insight that I might be able to provide by sharing my own experiences. I am so afraid of doing it wrong. I am so afraid of misrepresenting, of misinforming. I am so afraid of coming across as dim or ignorant or uninformed. So I just keep quiet. I don't speak in class. I don't command presence in the room when I speak. And I wish I did. During coffee beak of the session, I confided my feelings in my two classmates who had attended the event with me. They empathized with the pressure I was feeling as a non-native speaker, commented that they had noticed that I don't speak up in class, and encouraged me to work through it. Now, this whole vignette might seem too personal, but I wrote it with the intention of accountability; I am asking you to help hold myself accountable. Ask me questions. Listen when I answer. Get engaged in this conversation with me and let's see where it can take us! I am officially back in student life, which means no more nightly trips to the discotecas and that is just fine with me. As much as I love dancing the night away, I am excited to take things down a notch and slow it down. My goal is to find a balance between dedicating myself to my studies -- since that is the reason I am here, after all -- and also making time to enjoy my time here in Granada. This past weekend happened to be the perfect union of those two goals: I spent the days catching up on reading (turns out that I am not a fast reader when it comes to feminist theory in Spanish, go figure) and then used the nights getting reacquainted with Granada. Among the chulo things I found to do this weekend, there was a feminist demonstration, an anthropology film festival, and a lunar eclipse. The demonstration was in protest of violence against women. There have been 42 femicides in Spain this year. The group putting on the demonstration is a local organization of young feminists in Granada, called Asamblea Feminista Unitaria (or Unitary Feminist Assembly). After all, what would be a more appropriate first weekend activity with my new feminist cohorts than going to a feminist demonstration? Unfortunately, I was unable to to attend the event at the last moment (I ended up having an amazing heart to heart with one of my new friends) but they host these demonstrations monthly so I'll just make sure to catch the next one in October. I'm hoping to eventually infiltrate the group but poco a poco The next night, Saturday night, I went to the anthropology film festival, hosted by the University of Granada, with some of my friends from my cohort. The event consisted of screening two ethnographic films and a brief discussion with a professional anthropologist regarding his own fieldwork. The films themselves-- one of which was about medical professionals working in Bolivia ("La Esperanza del Oriente") and the other was about a famous festival in Peru ("Saynatakuna. Máscaras y Transfiguraciones de Paukartambo") -- were very interesting, but what I found most exciting was the totally surreal feeling of being engaged in sharing anthropological work with professionals from across the world. Especially after feeling so overwhelmed in class that week, it was refreshing to feel like I actually knew what was going on. The festival will be continuing each weekend until December, so I am hoping to make it to quite a few screenings. Finally, the "Supermoon" lunar eclipse occurred on Sunday night / Monday morning. Despite the fact that I have class twice a day (for a grand total of 8 hours of classes a day) every day this week, I decided I wanted to stay up until the main event, which was happening at 4:47 AM here. I mean, YOLO, am I right? A group of us went up to one of the most famous and gorgeous lookouts in Granda, el Mirador de San Nicholas, to watch the eclipse over the Alhambra. As picturesque as spending a night in a Spanish plaza, overlooking the most visited tourist attraction in Spain, drinking wine with friends sounds, it grows old quickly during the cold hours of the night. Our troop called it quits around 4 AM after watching the slowly progressing penumbral stages of the eclipse. Most of us had class in the morning and were hoping to catch the maximum eclipse and the red stage of the "Supermoon" from our respective balconies, but unfortunately the weather had different plans; what had been a beautiful night quickly turned into an overcast morning during our walk home so after staying awake most of the I didn't actually get to see the red moon. Qué pena. But, hey, all things considered, the view was still better than I have most nights.
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Meet the Author:Graduate student of GEMMA Eramus Mundus Master's Degree in Women's and Gender Studies. Currently living in Budapest, Hungary. Originally from the American midwest. Archives
October 2016
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